Let's break them down one-by-one and crown a champion of awful Christmas music:
Wham! - Last Christmas
My main issue with the song is that it's not really a Christmas song at all. It's a breakup song disguised as a Christmas song to push more record sales. They mention Christmas in the chorus, and then just kind of ignore it for the rest of the song. They could have mentioned any other two-syllable time of year without changing any other words, and the song wouldn't change at all. It makes my blood boil when I hear the Christmas radio stations playing this song all throughout December. This song should have died years ago, but instead the soft rock DJs on B101 (I refuse to acknowledge the fact that it's now called MoreFM) keep it alive year after year. Shut it down.
New Song - Christmas Shoes
Here's Patton Oswalt ripping the song to shreds for good measure:
Santa Baby (performed by various artists, but here's Taylor Swift's version to make it extra hatable)
I live in a little place called America, where prostitution is illegal in most places and frowned upon almost everywhere (I only say 'almost' because the city of Las Vegas is still very much a thing). Anyone singing this song is basically saying "Hey Santa, I'll whore myself out for some above-average gifts on Christmas this year." What ever happened to just behaving yourself for the month of December and having Santa reward you for that the old-fashioned way? Santa is a man of integrity, there is absolutely no way he's fucking up the good thing he has going with Mrs. Claus for one night with a hussy who's just using him for his body and his ability to provide her with cool gifts. Anyone who sings or even slightly enjoys this song should get a big lump of coal in their stocking.
As hatable as the other two songs are, "Santa Baby" is the worst Christmas song ever for me. That song makes my blood boil so much, I almost like it because it provides such a great outlet for me to unleash my hate. So congrats to whatever horny holiday lover that made this song, you officially made the worst Christmas song of all time in a world that includes a song about a kid not being able to afford a gift for his mother who's dying of cancer.
P.S. Starting December 1st, I'll be doing a "25 Days of Christmas Music" to get all you fellow narps in the holiday spirit. It's gonna be glorious.