-Poking yourself in the eardrum with a Q-tip. I Q-tip after every single shower I take. If you're a frequent Q-tipper like I am, you know that eargasm feeling you get when you put the q-tip in just the right spot in your ear...and then your hand moves slightly and it feels like Ant-man snuck into your ear canal and kicked you as hard as he could.
-When your younger cousin/niece/nephew asks if you have any games that they can play on your phone. There are a lot of kids age 10 and younger in my extended family, so naturally if I check my phone at a family function they'll often ask me if I have any games on my phone that they can play. It's at this point that I go with one of two lies: "My phone's battery is too low, sorry!" or "I don't have any games, just social media." I know I'm lying to the kids, they know I'm lying to them, it's just an all-around terrible situation and I hate it.
-Stubbing your toe. I stub my toe way too much for a 20 year old who has lived in the same house since I was three. It really seems like every time I walk around my house without shoes on, there's a coffee table or kitchen chair that jumps out and tries to assassinate my pinky toe.
-Farting out loud when you thought it was going to be silent. I am what some may consider to be a flatulent fellow. Typically, I'm pretty open about my farting habits, especially if it's just me and a couple other guys around. At this point, I always know about 99% of the time whether a fart is going to be silent or out loud. However, that 1% seems to always strike at the worst time possible. Perfect example: a few weekends ago, my friends and I were up in Scranton for Midsummers (I'll explain Midsummers in another blog another day). My apartment was hosting a keg, and we invited a few friends over to hang out. I felt some gas coming, so I stepped aside on our balcony where a few people were standing and talking, and got ready to silently let loose. Instead, a fart with a very distinctive noise came out. In my head, I heard a record scratch and a bunch of people started staring at me. I made a lame joke about how there must be a duck flying around or something and bolted back inside.
-The state of New Jersey. I have friends from New Jersey that are great people, but let's call a spade a spade here. New Jersey SUCKS. I'll go to my grave telling people that New Jersey is the armpit of America. Jersey is the ultimate little brother state: the northern part of the state has to cling to New York, the southern part claims to be part of Philadelphia, and no one, and I mean NO ONE, acknowledges central Jersey. Thanks for the Shore and Bruce Springsteen, the rest of you can go.
-Squirrels. I despise squirrels. I know girls who see them and go all gaga over them, and they could not be any more wrong. Squirrels are rats with fluffy tails. They rummage through trash, they piss EVERYWHERE, and earlier this summer one of them clawed through a screen window in my house to try to get to my dog's food. The only squirrel I've ever liked has been the one that pushed this other squirrel out of a tree.
As you can read above, there are so many things that I hate. I had a note in my phone with like 15 other things, but I decided to try and keep this a little shorter so as not to drive you insane. Despite all of the hate I have in my heart, nothing takes the crown like this GD summer class. I feel like I belong in Chapelle's Show: